So I said I was going to talk about gaining a healthy relationship with beauty. However, I had an experience a couple of weeks ago which took me back to a pretty dark time. I realised that I had only disclosed to those closest to me the title so to speak of that chapter. “He used to hit me” Then I realised I’d done the same with my therapist. I have never ever spoken out about the details.
Annie smacked me in the face with a brick that day, and I knew if i didn’t do something productive, act on it, she’s going to hook her claws in and pull me under. So how about we start with trauma acceptance!
This triggers a bitch, but this blog series is as I said aimed to help women, so big girl pants on, deep breathe, shits about to get real.
We had nipped in to get a few BBQ bits, we had a day planned with good friends, I was happy, content and grateful with my lot. As I doubled back to grab the kids sausage rolls that I had forgotten, there he was. Within not even a split second, my blood turned to lava, I had the sensation of something burrowing into my skin, which was over my entire body, the ground turned to quick stand, let alone the sick feeling. But that’s all you get, a split second. A split second before the punch is thrown, before you’re pinned down, before that glass hits your face, before you’re poked repeatedly, or the hands reach out to choke you.
Jeez this is heavy for episode 4! But there is a reason why his mug showed up, there must be. Just a glimpse of him, fucking terrifies me. 7 years out and still that sarcastic joker grin and awkward posture, makes my body shut down. It’s one of those chapters I buried. I never forgot the main storyline, but the finer details you kinda do. They get repressed, your brain doesn’t know how to deal with them, it’s too intense and painful and that can go on for years. It’s called dissociation. But when triggered they come flooding back. So maybe that’s why he showed up! To test my strength and my mental health recovery, to prove i’ve got this! Finally accept the trauma. Oh shit here they come … I have tears!
I haven’t had much luck in my love life, in fact thanks to my childhood trauma, my brain in its infinite wisdom chooses narcissists and abusers as good catches! (well did) why? Because it was my normal, it was all i knew, it’s very sad but i never really knew what love was. The version I had was warped.
There are 5 people on this planet who have helped shape me into what I am today, but not for the reason you might think. Between them they delivered me to hell, where the devil himself gave me personal tuition. I now have the devil on speedial, he’s a good friend of mine, i can’t say i’ve seen him in while, but im sure if i see him again, well dance!
No one ever came to save me, or fight my battles for me … i saved my fucking self, i fought my own battles, i went to war with myself, the pain, the devil, them. I fought for a very long time, almost, very very nearly gave up. I came within minutes of ending it in 2018. The only reason I am still here is my babies!
So this prick, let’s call him number 4, he doesn’t deserve the title of man, and in time order that’s where he sits.
So I had had my fair share upto N04, but this is where I think my mental health physically started to implode.
I met N04 online, older and portrayed a very upper class life and lifestyle, im not going to bore you but it was the usual love bombing… i fell hard and by the time he disclosed, it was mummy and daddy’s house, mummy and daddys money, his business was, well flat as a pancake, it was too late… I loved him. And we all know when you’re in love and weak none of that matters. You don’t see the red flags and if you do you ignore them.
I look back now and see it all, crystal clear. The love bombing, the gaslighting, and the abuse.
I mean who in their right mind when they love someone do they constantly belittle and degrade that person. His favourite was my voice! I mean it’s not the only thing but it gives you an idea. He would constantly tell me that my voice was horrible and screeching. I left him a funny voicemail once, it was my normal voice, just a funny topic, when i got home his words were “ i started to listen to your voicemail, but your voice goes through me so i couldn’t listen to it all” he said it jokingly, with that creepy joker grin but WTF seriously? This went on for a while And what did I do? Became quiet, silent, never an opinion, never a discussion just mute. i remember it’s what i used to do with NO2, she ingrained that trick into me as a child. I was only ever like it with her though it never seeped out until N04, then it became life. So my feelings and opinions became irrelevant, they built up inside and this is where my hidden childhood trauma then started to bubble up and I made a pretty tasty mental health recipe. This is where my battle with myself started. I was never good enough, I questioned everything about myself and started to believe all the bad I was being told, it was easier to believe.
4 years in, and I had reconnected with my mom, I hadn’t seen her since I was 18months old. She was one of those who made me start to question and I attempted to leave N04. yes you guessed it i got sucked back in. but this time i didn’t stay mute, and that’s when it got worse. “Jeez abi what have you done to your face, it was him wasn’t it?” That was the line one morning from one of the girls I managed at the time, who became a very good friend.
I got up that morning and did my best to hide the cuts and bruises around my eye. I was unsuccessful. There was a glass ornament on the stairs. I don’t why people used to that, bloody hazardous, but put it down to one of those trends. Anyway, he wouldn’t take out or buy his daughter anything for her birthday, so i did. Took her to town and bought some jewellery, lunch and had a girly day. When she’d gone home i asked him to contribute to what i had brought her, as it was just plain laziness on his part to the fact he hadn’t bothered. I mean what was i expecting from a guy who on mothers day, the line i got “why would buy you anything or wish you happy mothers day, your not my mother” no but we have children. Any way I got nothing back from him regarding his daughter so I went and sat on the stairs to put my shoes on. he came from behind and kicked this heavy glass ornament into my back, i felt a yank in my hair and then was thrusted sideways into the pile of glass head first. I’m lucky I’m not blind.
He started drinking, and that’s when he ramped it up. He would come in and pin me to the bed, so couldn’t move and he would incessantly go on and on and on ripping me and every ounce of my being to shreds. Imagine SAS who dare wins.. Their last episode when the contestants are in the dark, headphones playing torture noises and they are in stress postions… that is exactly what it was like. Torture, he knew what to say, he knew how to mentally destroy me. He did this night after night, then he started to not only pin me down, but poke repeatedly, getting gradually harder over time. I had round fingertip sized bruises all over my chest for weeks. Choking, punching, it came… yes yes i hear why didn’t you just leave? Why stay? It’s so easy to say that, when you’re in it it really isn’t. Your scared to stay, your scared to leave, your strength is tested to limits people would never understand who do not go through it. You see physical abuse is one thing narcissistic abuse is another level all together. That is what destroys a person. They are very clever, they reflect their shortcomings on to you, it’s always your fault, they mentally break you, they make you insane, making you question everything about yourself, they make you think its you! And to the outside world they are the nicest people, they are the victim, their image is never damaged, master manipulators, no one can ever see the truth about them. Very dangerous people.
I did eventually leave, i didn’t go far enough, i thought i moved and he wouldn’t follow, he did and set up home in the same town, there he was swanning round playing happy families with his current supply and new baby. I hope and pray she never sees or goes through what I did. But they never change.
I ran out of that shop quicker than you could blink, it took all of my strength to control the onset of a panic attack and carry on with my day. Since then mentally i’ve been a tad wobbly but i’ve sat and made myself look at how far i have come, what i am achieving and how i have survived narcissistic abuse not once, not twice but 3 times. N02 started it made it my normal, N04 was a ametuer at it, albeit a good one, but he needed fists to back it up, he released my suppressed child trauma, he sent me hell. N05 was a fucking jedi of the topic, and was the one who delivered me to the devil. You see it wasn’t until i broke free of N05, that I realised what N02 and N04 were and how i had been abused mentally pretty much my whole life.
But now I am a narcissist’s worst nightmare and that is an educated empath! I didn’t realise until that encounter the other week that i needed to work on my strength and resilience to the physical side of the abuse.
I remember now that nothing can touch me, no one can touch me. I am that woman, that alpha that can fight and protect. I can stand my ground, believe in myself and my abilities. I have survived the biggest storms and I am still standing. I have seeked help from organisations, had very good therapy and I am healing. I am working on myself and I am grateful for everything I have. My trauma isn’t what made me, it shaped my environment where I, me, MYself, made ME! I am the one who got me here, to this point! And I am proud of myself for that!
I’m going to take some time to recharge my energy but in the coming months I’ll do a more detailed episode on narassium.
If you have been through something similar, I am here. If you’re GOING through something similar, I am here. Never suffer in silence, trust me it’s the worst thing to do. There is help out there. If i can do it, YOU can!
Something more light hearted next time, I promise.